MARRIAGE AFTER AFFAIR
Q: My wife had an affair and I found out. After much discussion and tears, I know that I still love her and believe her when she says she loves me. I know the sexual part of the affair is over and that she is sorry. Is there any hope for us?
A: An affair is the ultimate betrayal of trust in any relationship. Often it means that one partner felt abandoned, disrespected or rejected and in need of ego stroking and self-confidence boosting and found someone who stepped in and met those needs. An affair is a fantasy “perfect” relationship that has all the good things we think we want without the responsibility or need for commitment. There are no kids squabbling; no chores; no garbage to take out. Sex is plentiful and your illicit partner is never “too tired” to please you. Life always appears perfect in an affair. If the demands become too much and the excitement flags, it is generally easy to end an affair. In an affair, communication appears good and you feel understood since much of the talk focuses on your bad relationships and how others do not understand you. In this way an affair becomes the easy, albeit immature, way to feel adequate, young, and carefree with no responsibility. But rarely does an affair become a successful long-term relationship.
In order to successfully move past the affair, you and your partner must both be prepared to do some difficult work. The person who was in the affair must end all inappropriate relationships and communications. There cannot be phone calls, texting, meetings or any other meet ups to check “how (s)he is doing”. In order to repair the damage, trust must be rebuilt from the ground up. The partner who was betrayed must be open to trusting and not hold the affair over the other, as a weapon. Trust can be rebuilt without asking for details, without checking phones and without snooping. You either trust or do not trust. Improve communication rather than giving the third degree. I do not believe trust needs to be earned but rather, it needs to be developed and can be lost, but I believe that to be successful, you must begin anew from a place of trust.
Rescuing a marriage can be done. Trust and abandonment issues must be addressed and honesty is integral to success. Do the work and the relationship will either be better, or not able to sustain the damage. There is always time to end a marriage and it will not hurt more if you try to save it. Nothing justifies an affair but they happen. If you can see it as a warning sign, you can be grateful for the second chance. It takes a great deal of maturity, commitment and soul searching to move on beyond an affair but it can be done and often with very successful results.
